That’s what I said this evening while lying on my kitchen floor. I was having quite an evening and things were looking up. I went for a 10min walk and wasn’t all that out of breath. I played a couple rounds of Mario Kart with Kelly, and I didn’t have to catch my breath after each race (Unlike the night before.) And I felt like I had a decent amount of energy. Then I got up…
Suddenly I couldn’t breath and had to grab onto the kitchen counter. Eventually I sat down on the garbage can before Kelly brought me a chair. I sat there trying to regain my breath again before I decided I needed to lie down. Kelly brought me a pillow and helped me try to breath, got me a glass of water. I tried to drink it while lying down.
Short aside. Trying to pour a glass of water into your mouth while lying down is hard, especially when your chest is heaving up and down. Then, if you miss and that water instead goes up your nose while you’re trying to breath heavily you’ve just essentially waterboarded yourself. It’s not fun.
Ok, so where was I? Oh yes, I was on the kitchen floor struggling to breath while pouring water over my face. Well that for some odd reason worked. It snapped me out of something and my breathing slowed. After a little bit I sat up and drank some water. My heart was pounding and adrenaline was coursing through my body. Even if there was nothing physically wrong with me at this point the issue was going to be to get my anxiety from the last 45 seconds in check.
Short aside. Kelly and I like to name our “Anxiety Monsters” so that we have somebody we can address when we have moments of anxiety. It helps to visualize them and be able to externalize them as well. I call mine “Kermit” and imagine him as Kermit the Frog, because that way he’s far less intimidating. (You don’t want to picture Predator and call him “Lord of Destruction” or something like that.)
Now, earlier today I had seen the now semi-famous “I Yield My Time Fuck You!” video and so I yelled at Kermit for getting in the way and shouted quite loud (with our windows wide open for all passers by to hear) “Suck on my dick and choke on it. I yield my time FUCK YOU!” and I’ll be damned if it didn’t work. I was able to breath and relatively calm.
But then it dawned on me. This was serious.
As I looked up at the ceiling of our home with Kelly talking with me trying to get me whatever I needed and being a good sounding board, I got pretty scared. I was wondering if I should go to the hospital. And if I went to the hospital, would that mean I end up on a ventilator? Could this be the last day I see Kelly before I die? I know I’m not a high-risk category but nobody is no-risk. I said “It’s going to take a while and be scary.” Thankfully Kermit was cowering in a corner because that was a terrifying moment for me and Kelly too that needed no additional anxiety.
I ended up calling an online doctor through my insurance and I talked with him for a good 20min about different “lines” that I could potentially cross and when I should go to the hospital. I feel like I have a solid game plan and we even addressed what some of the problems could be if it turns out this isn’t COVID-19. This very well could be a long road to recovery, and it’s pretty serious. The simple act of walking into the kitchen to get a cookie and glass of water made me think this could be the last day I ever see my wife. Here’s to hoping this particular roll of the dice is kind to me.